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January 2011



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The subject line is always the most difficult part to share...

alas... how long has it been? days? months? years even? I appreciate having another outlet to vent my anger from, albeit a little prehistoric compared to most... but it's comfortable and a little new...

I want to say all the things here that I've been dying to say elsewhere, but my computer seems to have decided that my blog on myspace is somewhere i don't need to be, and I say everything happens for a reason, so hell, why not take chances and post here... see what comes of it...

I've started seeing this girl... Her name is Lauren... and I adore her... She absolutely kills everything inside of me that I have worked so long to build up... I don't know what it is... I NEVER saw myself becoming so attached to a woman in all my life... If you know me at all you know I hate girls... but she's different... I should take a minute to explain how we came about since it's important in the plot of this story...

We worked together at Old Navy for like a 3 day period before i left and became seasonal because of my shift position at Bux. Apparently she fell for me the first time she laid eyes on me and that was in August... I didn't see her again until November when we had our Christmas meeting... she kept showing up and hugging me and I was just captivated... absolutely captivated... she and I have been hanging out ever since and it took me a while to figure out just how into me she was.... and it was cute... I've enjoyed it a lot... it's a nice break from the ordinary... but I'm afraid it's just a phase and I don't want her hurt, or me hurt either for that matter... but I think we'll be fine...

On the other side of the news... Adham... augh... I swear to GOD! I don't even know... it's like I'm fine, as long as I don't think about him, call him, look at his profile, hear from him, etc... but I mean, 3 years is a long time to just walk away from someone... and honestly, I think we've got a good friendship building up... and I'm enjoying watching where it's going... He's a really strong person inside, and he needs to find that out on his own... Only time will tell =) I think he and I may end up back together in the end... I just wasn't feeling it at the moment and neither of us was happy... we were just settling... I think both of us needed to do some soul searching, growing up, and having a little bit of fun at the same time... "let a bird go, if it comes back to you, then and only then is it truely yours to own" right? right.

anyway... I have a few letters to write within the next few days or weeks or whenever I feel moved to put pen to paper... one of those will definitely have to be to Jake. I love him more everyday... and sometimes I think my heart will burst because of it... I want him in my life forever... I can't wait to see where the path we're on takes us... it's amazing to be near him...

So yeah... this is my first vent of any kind in sometime.... I miss writing... I vow to buy pen and paper tomorrow =D



Yeah, you know I'll be here if you ever need to talk. Coming from a lesbian (who basically denied it until she was 18), I can see where you're coming from questioning basically everything after you've fallen for a girl for the first time.
thanks so much Kim... I may need you! thanks so much for the comment, it feels good to know there are people out there listening and responding! I love it!