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January 2011



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if i could possibly explain the frustration of my entire day today in this mere blog, I would smear the pages with blood and sweat and tears and dirt and trash and utter shit and then call it a work of art...

I have never been a nervous person in my life... never... i'm not a shy person for the most part, and I usually get straight to the point, I don't have sweaty palms or a shaky knee or anything like that, but i'll be damned if Jimm Cox doesn't put the fear of God in me... I left Intermediate Acting class today almost in tears because I have never been so utterly upset, disappointed, and frustrated with myself in my entire existance in my life... I wanted to literally just lash out at the first thing I came in contact with... I wanted to scream and rip away at someone's soul til they felt as miserably hopeless as I did and then I wanted to shove their face in a pile of shit and I wanted to laugh at them... I have found myself in a very difficult place... A place where you realize that there is no other place to go but foward, and that if you don't get there first, someone is going to beat you to it... I've got to put all this passion that I get when I get upset and I've got to put it to use in my work, in my acting skills, wysiwyg skills... Passion lost is passion wasted... why not channel them into something bigger and better and for a greater cause... Screaming at the heavens and tears never did amount to anything unless put to a use, so I've got to find a way to use these things to get through... and I will...

On a side note, Adham makes me happy... it took losing him to realize that he may just be the one... I sure hope so... Otherwise I'll cry... of course, I could use those tears as my first attempt at acting...

I need to breathe...

I love you guys, and I'm dreadfully sorry for not updating sooner or more often... of course really the only reason i am updating here at all is b/c myspace is down at the moment... haha...



What is it with this myspace thing? :P
Good luck, and I hope you find happiness.